Beautiful, glorious ANGER!

Me and my favorite guest

     Anger, my grandmother tried to warn me of it's power over the spirit and my religious upbringing did teach that it tarnishes the soul. Recently, I've returned to the Christian church and have received great advice on practice that has started to open up my insight of the Path. Fortunately, I am doing a good deal of scriptural research, starting with the Johannine tradition in particular, the Rosicrucians another fascination of mine and various schools of philosophy. I've realized that my work, just being a guy in a shop, keeps me able to do this study, so that I can become closer to God at all times. The contentious point, that keeps me so terribly distracted is properly allocating energy to virtues rather than the passions. Kindness, a gentle, pause and stop because I know the low state. There is no sinner, one who misses the mark like I, I feel often and anger is my response.

     Damn this bow, damn this target, damn this whole damned GAME! That is my response, a response that only within the last year I've learned was a concept conditioned to be understood as acceptable by our nation through the work of Fabianists and even more poorly guided programs to centralize human life. Too turn one's back upon this glorious world, it is a form of nihilism that isn't of a profound nature when it is me doing it and only I can know this. Knowing that my times are dominated by the centralization of human labor, earthly resources and mass slaughter of humans lucky enough to not be locked in boxes by entities called 'States'....I should do more than be angry.

     I have a mentor, that I need to get back in touch with because I see more clearly why he still had 'faith'....I thought I had science. This is what's cooking my noodle now and softening me in way....hopefully my thoughts will be more al dente and tasty....now, I have a better sense of science and it buttresses my 'faith'.

    Taoism and Buddhism can provide for a round eye great skills, they even say that specifically but if 'compassion' isn't legitimate then it all will be for nothing. This is what I discovered when I most recently trained in Xing Yi, I still wasn't a 'good' person, in my definition....somewhere deep down, where I felt judgement. In the seat of my heart is a judge and this judge can be merciful only if I understand, explore, contemplate and manifest merciful forgiveness.....merciful letting go of that which is past. Only then can the Strength that is required, and that I have acquired through building skill can matter.....I really had no idea how far from the Truth I was....am, still.

     None of my epiphany and sad ass attempt at Advent takes from my study of praxeology, pre-Christian religion and astrotheology and such. More than ever I am understanding the love which lightens the darkness of the inner unknown. Why is there a vast space always empty within? This isn't just a question answered or tackled with philosophy, religion but also have you ever been made aware of how much 'space' is there? Huge gaping expanses of tiny, infinitely numbered units of space between every detectable phenomena.....without the space, phenomena haven't a....space to occupy, ha, and with that I've got to sleep, a bit of vespers.

    It has come to me, the Christ, the Holy Spirit, The Father.....I am now finding the many connections of the fundamental threeness as a pattern, a source, it's contemplation and it's own self the manifested phenomena and object of this thought and contemplation upon itself.....wow, all that is happening right now, at all times, every atom, every thought, every breath....it's all moving together, a giant heaving, swaying form, contiguous yet made of innumerable parts.

    Whether I will become a priest or not, I don't know, I will study like I am one, and soon I must commit to giving back. Anger has plucked the joy from me so often, and it's anger at myself, really, often for supporting through ignorance and pride some awfulness or bullshit. People who know me, often comment on how 'nice' I am and such but it's not enough to be nice, I am hardened by fear of death. I am terribly afraid of confronting death's work again and death comes, always, and beautifully majestically leaves with someone you didn't want to see go. If I never involve myself in things, I can't suffer....right? That's what I thought. Joe Wheeler, he's a smart guy, he moved to Texas and left me some books but most importantly got me to think, he challenged me to think. Father Rossbach advised me the Jesus Prayer during Advent, once again, that I quite poorly endeavored in, well now I'm just flagellating, lots of reading, some deep sitting and prayer, little training....not even touching the fasting part yet, oh, how....anyway. I really need to get up to Portland because I am stoked about the Apostolic Johannite Church and their approach, I still feel it's a very 'they' situation still only having attended one mass. Traveling up to Portland is more expensive than I had originally considered so I've been making Sunday a day of study and development and try to do as little that will distract me from that goal. It's kind of easy being just a dude, living with another single dude, just hangin'....reading Russell or the Bible....you know, chillin'.

    All right, off to dream land. I'm angry, too angry for my real health, this passion is hindering my rapport with God and humanity, anger is not enough. Courage, love, compassion I want these to be my bulwark, my banner, they should be my Path.

Donovan Worland