Companionship and the Sacraments an oh poor me moment!

Companionship....a 90s kind of man once and 80s kind of kid!

     My parents were a mixed race couple, eight years apart in age both from the greater Chicago area, to people rather suited because they were looking for the same things in a mate and the times encouraged 'open minded' people like them to meet. This could sound like the build up to a wild and crazy blog...no, they were not best suited to each other and they tried and they were human, so they failed to maintain their matrimonial bond....in reality, yet never legally, heh, gotcha' vultures! She was a sociopathic liar and he was whipped drunk, and they both were magnificent at their best times....the times are hard on people, circumstance...it robs us all. Oh, what the world could be if not for those few who stand on the scaffolds in collusion with various surveyors, and foremen forming a cabal for efforts to distort a construction like such a grand Republic as we could have! 

   This streak of perfectionism, it is my own cross, to have set aside the road to power when it reached out to me....I mean that, it reached out and called me and offered me the chance....I am glad, because I am cruel. When I look at Robin's hands....I become terribly soft, not weak, I want to yield to the force of hands like grape vines.  There is a Beauty, it requires Strength and those forces merge best with Wisdom.  My father....without knowing it, sided too far with Strength, militant in view on how the Left was fundamentally correct and feminism is a force to be embraced and identified with....he saw no reason for wining and dining, ballroom dance, learning and practicing to croon a tune from the good old days.....he harkened to the era of the earliest 1900s when a furious period of big ideas started catalyzing the forces of the world.  A time of artists and philosophers shaping thought and religion for another one hundred years....I wonder how he felt about the whole Catholic school thing for me. I loved it, and that sense of being old school, hugging Robin in public because she is a lady and she prefers such affections....I am really loving that kind of detail....boots, braces and my books....I am not really old fashioned, old school is how I like to think of it. That's probably me just entertaining my ego.

     Jack Courtis has a great amount of work on the Kabbalah published on a site of the Confraternity of the Rose Croix....or something along those lines....www.crcsite.org... and it is fantastic. One of the trouble I am now in I find....this actually wasn't a problem when I was very 'in' to Buddhism....a community that practices the Sacraments. I remember the Catholic Mass....almost word for word, and I keep considering walking down the alley and attending the 6:55am, I can be up and then go to work, I....don't want to just do it because on must perform the Sacraments and one is group celebration. This has made me consider what groups of Christians are....not gnostic but their community is by nature very open to the various roads that have led to their doors....Sunday is still the most segregated day in America....by many lines in culture. I have been waking up, both Saturday and Sunday and watching the rose garden come into bloom over a cup of strong coffee I grab from my shop, read a bit, pray the rosary and every time this vast expanse opens. How do I celebrate this when such a cathedral is opened, a music calls me there every weekend, I have left all plans aside but for soul nights so I can see the morning light on that beautiful park land.

     I have decided that being I have come up with an amazing altar arrangement that speaks to me such that sitting and reading Scripture and going into prayer is a blast....my fear keeps me from people. It occurred in my mind that I am still thinking that Christians are who I must meet with to celebrate life and life to it's fullest! I should simply, become that host I studied so hard to be, that magnanimous person I've endeavored to become so that those who wish to eat with me will do so. I am quite public now about my opposition to the politics of collectivism, the cultural Marxist and the modern militarized mega-state that is being sold, bought and embraced like a teat swollen with mothers' milk!  Truly, peace and truth....a society that embraces the argent principle of non-violence and the golden principle of non-deceitfulness, as a 'society'...meal by meal, maybe even lift by lift if girevoy and Tacfit bring like minded folks to me....that's the point. To become the most interesting man in the room and not do shit with it is what feeds the sense of 'resentment' and that is the result of sin....pride, avarice and jealousy. Why resent, when I can do. Already, I have taken action and I will see what happens. 

   I keep the Sabbath holy, the day is study and training, I've even been very good about not having a cold one until sundown...get a whole day in, really live!  The feeling though, that as I study and see more patterns in the world that have been seen before and miraculously made allegory that has become florid and fruitful for us thousands of years later....to know those who want to look deeper are never alone is a big deal. I don't know how atheists do it.....I guess Athiesm+....well, and I should know, the internet and most counter culture settings. I understand now the Sphinx demanding Silence, silence had become a friend, an intimate companion like none other before. My stacks of music...I'm a dj....collect mote after mote....beautiful silence embraces the expanse and memory fills the space of hearing, light and structures and all knowledge weave throughout time and meet in my belly, propelled through the chambers of my heart I am one with Akiba, Patrul Rinpoche, Nagarjuna, Sun Wu Bin, Isaac the Blind, John of Patmos....so many minds....to become a shining star in the recollection of mankind isn't my goal though, I want to reach in and explore those stars, to know that vehicle, that conveyance's power....that's a little more like it.

    Oh, poor me, I have so much time and soooo much study and amazing texts on exactly what I want to know keep faaaaalling into my hands! Yeah, I just can't explain, I am the most fortunate armchair theologian ever! I never buy a bad book! I have no idea, I never shop and then certain days the magic is  in the air and there I am scanning the shelves and there it is.....the most easy to understand and comprehensive book on the subject I wanted. And what they couldn't fit in that book is easy to find in another on another day or another year.....I wait for the call.

  A number of books on Rosicrucians have popped up, one that is absolutely amazing that involves the Kabbalah and the Tarot and rather comprehensive analysis of the Rosicrucian Manifestoes from the grammatikon tradition. This author uses a 3,4,5 based system using the "3,4,5" triangle as a fundament of the Osirian and therefore the 'speculative/primitive' freemasonry origin in Memphite theology. Not to say that Paul Foster Case attributes the Rosicrucian Fraternity to Egypt...no, he argues in the 'True and Invisible Rosicrucian Order' that very advanced kabbalists, alchemists and occultists were working on a legend that would shake the order of the world at a time when it could and should be done. That is a bold thing, it must have taken many meetings and meals to compare notes and knowledge. More and more, I feel that a variety of Orders while interesting are best studied from afar until real tutelage opens up.  After my bang up ride through Chinese boxing and Ryukyu fist.....it's good to know the background because now I am dealing with my soul.

    What a strange time....why do I have to know this stuff? It's knowing, once one knows they....Now that I know, I can't look back at Sodom, not for a moment, the Garden is guarded until the End....like my teacher said....'You can never return home.'   The Anchor, it is Faith, the sea is vast, I have stores that never empty and an Anchor.

  I see men with no harbor, and I am frightened, to be forgotten is worse than dying....I wonder this, that fear, all of that thought....heh, yes....to fear, the End.